A DESIRE OBSERVED
With apologies to C S Lewis

‘And your desire shall be towards your husband and he shall rule over you’

These words in Genesis have sparked off countless debates and varied interpretations.
The two crucial words ‘ desire’ and ‘rule’.

I became addicted to romance, cutting my teeth on the story of Cinderella. Sixty years down the line I remain addicted. Maybe it’s inborn in women, part of our sexuality.

Eve reversed the God-given roles for man and woman. She acted on her desire for the otherness of God without recourse to Adam, and so seems to have bound herself irrevocably to him. In turn his headship would take the form of rule – perhaps the only way to curb her natural propensity for foolishness. Paul held the view that women are more easily deceived and early history proved this. This being so she must be held in check to prevent further folly.

God bound them indissolubly together, she desiring, he ruling.

There is a passage in Corinthians that should cause us to pause for thought – our obligation to please our spouse, bringing added carefulness in married life. It is not an option; it is part of the deal. Why is there this precondition? It is the only hope of a successful marriage.

In some it requires no encouragement, in others it is a heavy weight to carry. Larry Crabb incisively observes that it may well call for a godly response to justified anger. Sin has ruined the nature of both men and women and sometimes we eat each other up, both caught up in destructive behaviour patterns. It can tie us down as to what coffee to buy and picking up damp towels without a surge of resentment, to saying ‘ that’s the way I am and you must take me as you find me’.

How can we please each other if we don’t know each other? Surely this should be part of courtship? Can we trust one another to take on this caring? Do we have the same values, the same interests, the same passions? Do they easily speak with contempt of others? It is this tone which will destroy any relationship. Mutual respect is the living water which will sustain the growth of an increasing appreciation and enjoyment of each other.

Trust built on this foundation enables gentle rebuke. If we can trust them to do us good, then we can trust them to chide us when needed. Someone once said ‘ we should not try and be our husband’s Holy Spirit’ I thought this was so true as wives have a propensity to nag. However the Holy Spirit is our counsellor who draws along side to encourage holy living and we should do the same. To be able to do good in a situation not deserving of that good, requires grace from God, who alone is capable of undeserved good.

The desire itself, how is it manifested? We have an irresistible longing for the favour and attention of the other. We do all in our power to be found desirable in the eyes of the chosen one. Maybe in women this is directed at men in a general way. If we are honest with ourselves it rises up unbidden and we are unable to reason with ourselves.
We are probably unaware of our deep need for safety and protection. Through disobedience Eve forfeited these precious gifts and now cannot live without them.
We long to be cherished and admired. Knowing these joys sets us free to dance through life. Without them life becomes a drudgery, an endless round of futility.

These gifts are debased and mired in sexuality outside of godly provision. Perhaps this is the sin of adultery – desiring that which is the right of a wife about whom we care nothing. Prostitution is an endless need to be found desirable for a brief time, to ensure only survival. Each ending is a confirmation that cherishing is out of reach. Rape, a denial of our existence as women. Feminism, eroding the dignity of men.

What is the purpose of fashion, dancing, dieting, preoccupation with bodily beauty other than to procure the longed for attention? Reading of the passions of others gives momentary fulfilment. Themes in films play out the drama and provide satisfaction by proxy. But we have an insatiable appetite.

When the seeming protection is withdrawn or lost we are devastated. Indifference is intolerable, driving women to choose violence rather than desertion. Why else do women remain in abusive relationships?

We can only deal with the issue if we are prepared to recognise it for what it is. Insatiable longing for what the chosen one can give us. For them to delight in us and so care for us. Even then we cannot suppress our feelings. No matter how we try to constrain ourselves and think we succeed, it bursts out and gives us away by feelings that spring unbidden to our hearts. There can never be a ‘happy ever after’ as we continue to thirst for it each day.

Sometimes desire seems so precious. A longing for the company of the other. A desire to keep the other from the pain of life. When together, a momentary seclusion from the flow of life, a searing pain on parting. A sense that we matter. We are recognised, needed and embraced. A ‘brief encounter’. What can be wrong in this?

How does a godly woman relate to the men in her life? To her God-given husband? Sarah was commended for her fearless submission to Abraham even though he was thrusting her into the arms of a godless pharaoh. Abraham feared for his life rather than for hers. It was only her faith in Abraham’s God to fulfil His promises of a descendant that enabled her to set out for Pharaoh’s palace in obedience to Abraham, ensuring her a place in Hebrews’ heroes of faith.

Older women are commissioned to teach the younger ones how to love their husbands and children, so pleasing God. Only by God’s grace can she sanctify her own desire for her husband and teach others to do so too. This desire will always be with us, and it is good to recognise this and acknowledge it as the price we pay for our foolish disobedience and sinfulness. Only God’s grace can transform this desire into self-denying, loving service to the men in our lives, so that we can stand with Sarah, our godly example of a woman who pleased God.

'I tiptoe round the solace of another's touch,
which breaths new life into my love,
and seek new words of joy,
as 'golden apples in a frame of silver set.'

But quiet, quiet it is not to be.
The love so dear to woman's heart.
It wears another garb by name of friend,
and bears yet fruit that all may see
the life love brings.